I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
