saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
