if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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