Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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