I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize