TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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