One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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