Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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