my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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