I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
