I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
