I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
