oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize