The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
