i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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