how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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