It's like God shit irony all over that family
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
