I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize