I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
