We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
