I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
