Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
