the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
