Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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