We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize