oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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