I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
this hospital has no fireball
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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