thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
