i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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