drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
