get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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