Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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