if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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