I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
