I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
