You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
