I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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