Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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