Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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