Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
