I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
