hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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