She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
