So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize