Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
