I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
