so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
