running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
