If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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