He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
