your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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