I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
