Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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