You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
