nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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