I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
