She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
