i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
