Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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