i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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