he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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