The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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