my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
