Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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