I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
