somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
