Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
