i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
