if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
