i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
