I want to make a zoo with you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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