Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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