Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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