For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
