Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
